He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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