I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
