All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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