he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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