I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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