I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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