I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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