Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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