Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's get the cat blown out
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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