i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
