It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
