It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
