If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
