On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
