If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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