I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
