We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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