I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
