The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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