either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
