Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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