i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
