If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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