I'm gonna have a badass scar
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
