Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
