Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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