I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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