just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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