there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
