He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Randomize
