I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
