my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
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I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it