my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
