Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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