I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
