remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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