I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
