Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
