Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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