mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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