woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
