my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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