You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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