the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
