The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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