I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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