In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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