he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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