Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
