he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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