Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
