The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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