if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
