Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
