What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
