I think I died a long time ago.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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