I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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