tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
