I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
