you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
