therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
