New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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